In all relationships, there are Defining Moments. Moments that bring you closer together, or push you farther apart. It’s never really the event that defines the moment; it’s your reaction to the event.
Like Nixon. It wasn’t Watergate that took him down; his cover-up did.
Let’s say your kid comes home two hours after curfew. You haven’t heard from him and you’re worried sick. His car finally pulls into the driveway. You sit at the kitchen table. And wait. When he finally walks into the room, you inspect him for signs of being drunk. Or high.
He has neither.
You both know he’s late. Very late.
He knows you’re pissed.
You know he’s nervous.
That is the event: the kid is late.
How you (as the adult) respond to the event - the immediate next moments - will define whether you and your son will become closer or more withdrawn. Words will be spoken. Choices will be made. Will they ennoble your relationship, or retard it?
If you act self-righteously or emotionally immature, chances are you’ll say or do something stupid - something that will cause more distance between you and your boy.
But if grace is anywhere in the room - hopefully whispering in your ear - you’ll keep a calm mind and an open heart.
The late, great Tim Russert (1950-2008) was a master at this. When someone on his Washington D.C. news team got scooped or blew an interview, Russert didn’t storm into their office and bark judgement.
He would simply ask, “What happened?”
Tim created an opening. A chance for the other gal or guy to explain. To save face.
And in creating that opening, Tim created something even greater, something that people loved him for. He created a safe place, a workplace lined with caring, loyalty, respect, and mutuality. A place where someone could tell their truth and both parties could pause for a moment of reflection and learning.
Flash back to the kitchen. Your kid is still late. You’re still angry. Can you bring caring, loyalty, respect, and mutuality to the situation? Can you drop your natural parental instinct to grandstand and instead ask, “What happened?”
When you were your kid’s age, you stayed out late, too. You worried your parents sick. You did lots of things you knew you shouldn’t do…and hoped you wouldn’t get caught.
But here is the truth: in defining moments like these, you have to ask your anger to take a backseat. You have to show up first with compassion. You have to give your son a chance to respond.
In moments when I’m furious, when I cannot even stand to look at someone because they’ve angered me so, I ask myself, “Can I be here in this moment with love? with caring? with respect?” Most times, simply asking the question is enough to calm me. In rare cases when I cannot bring those qualities to the fore, I ask to have the conversation at a later time.
Because there’s no sense treating a Defining Moment carelessly. I want to bring my best self to those moments. I want to handle them with great care.
I want to channel my inner Tim Russert.
We’re living in a time when the media rewards people who can produce pithy, biting one-liners. We’re also living in a time ripe with Defining Moments. How we choose to respond to these moments will determine whether we draw closer together or move farther apart.
